Saturday, June 8, 2013

The light

Life has been a bit of a blur lately. This little ol' blog has been a bit neglected. But, as it always is with me - writing is my therapy. I find I need to wipe away my tears, return to my keyboard and type out my mind, to help process my emotions. Writing this; publishing this is a bit like pulling off a band-aid - it hurts, but I need to do it to move forward.

The past couple of weeks have been the toughest I can remember. Right now, I should be whining to my husband about morning sickness and first trimester exhaustion. Instead, I'm mourning the loss of a life that never will be. A baby that was not meant to be born into this world. I wish I didn't become a 1 in 4 statistic, but it happened and I can't hide behind the stigma of talking about it because otherwise I can’t move on - I had a miscarriage.

And it hurts. It hurts so bad. I'm full of so many questions, most of which will never be answered and I'm just having to cling to my belief that everything happens for a reason because I don't know why this happened. It seems like a cruel joke - to experience the joy of expecting again, only to have that dream end all too soon. The worst part is, I know just what I'm missing out on. I've had a healthy pregnancy and delivered the most precious little boy into this world. I know my chances of conceiving again are really good and blah blah blah, but it hurts to think about what we're not going to experience with this baby.

But in the midst of the grief, I'm beginning to see the light. I'm trying to think about the positives because all I want right now is to go back to feeling normal again. I have a beautiful, healthy little boy. I am married to my best friend. I have the most amazing support network, a real community. I am able to feel the love from my family, even from abroad. I am able to get pregnant, something I will never, ever take for granted.

And... I'm learning about patience. A lot about it actually. You know, I had been praying for more of this quality in my life. Only, I didn't expect that it would take going through this drawn out experience for me to really learn what that word means.

I'm ok. We’re ok. I’m starting to feel more like myself again. Drained, exhausted – but me. And for once in my life, I'm not thinking too far into the future. Part of me wants to jump right back into trying again, part of me wants to hide under a rock and cry for the next year. 

We're taking it one day at a time.


"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" Isaiah 40:31

19 comments:

  1. My heart aches with you, Luana. Praying for more peace and more light. Miss you!

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  2. Love you heaps Lu. I understand and wish I could come and hang out with you for awhile. Your so precious and so is your little one. Much love, Martine

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  3. Ah, friend, I'm so sorry :(
    I love that verse; you are in my prayers.

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  4. I wish I could hug you right now!! I am so sorry, I couldnt imagine. Your post seems to show that you're processing well and giving your heart thw time it needs to heal. You are loved!

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  5. I am so so sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug as well.

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  6. I am so very sorry for your loss. I don't have words for you, but I have a tears, a hug and my prayers. You are loved, sweet mama. <3

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  7. Oh gosh I am so sorry to hear that. It must be heart breaking to have to experience that. I've only had a small taste experiencing a failed IVF cycle. Thinking of you as you walk through this journey.

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  8. ((((Hugs))))) it is so hard to grieve the loss of something you never had. My heart still hurts at the thought of my 2 angel babies. I wish I could say the pain goes away, but I can't. It only gets easier each day. Take time to heal. We'all all be thinking about you.

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  9. I'm so sorry. I hope things slowly start to get easier for you... one little minute at a time. Sending lots of virtual hugs and cups of hot tea your way.

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  10. I read the book 'Jesse' by Chris Pringle and found it really really helped when we lost Timothy, Benjamin's twin. It's all about grieving for lost babies, the hope we have for them in heaven and finding healing. Well worth getting a copy.
    Hugs, Jaime.

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  11. I am so sorry. Praying for you and your family, that the Lord would give you comfort right now.

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  12. Oh friend.. Praying for you. Wish I could give you a great big hug. You have an amazing perspective. It's OK to be sad, to grieve, and to ask questions. Thank you for sharing your heart. I'm so sorry.

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  13. Stay strong babe. Your baby will find you eventually, have faith. <3

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  14. What a tough, tough loss. I've been there, on a pregnancy before my son, and it was so painful. Don't feel silly. Don't feel like you need to see the good and move on. Take your time and grieve. It's real and can sometimes feel so made up. At least it did for me. It will get easier though. From everyone I know who experienced it, it will. And while you will never forget it, you will put it in a different place and move on and hopefully have another beautiful child with a whole different glorious journey in life.

    I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Take all the time and love that you need. <3

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  15. Heartbroken for you :( Prayers coming your way.

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  16. Oh my friend, I am so sorry. I am a bit behind on blogging, so I'm just now seeing this, but you are definitely in my prayers. Big hugs-

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  17. Oh, so sorry. So brave of you to share like this - thinking of you.

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